Prologue: The Game

James uttered a small grunt as he stepped into his house, dropping his stuff next to the door. "Mom! I'm home!" Strangely, no one answered back. Did they go somewhere? He hadn't been told. Upon walking into the kitchen he expected a note to be on the table. There was nothing. "This is weird." He stepped into the hallway and pressed a button on the answering machine. A voice came up, but it sounded like he was using a device that altered it.

"James, your family has been silenced and you are survive on your own, this is not a test, it's just a game." The voice was low, rough You can get rid of the comma. and had a weird lumberjack accent to it. Could you even do that with one of those voice altering devices?

"The hell?" Who is that man? he thought. Moving seemingly as if something was guiding him, he arrived in his room. Something wet hit his nose, it was red, and this scared him. When he looked up however, there was an arrow drawn in... "Blood?" James exclaimed in a questioning tone. From his slight panic he spotted something sticking out of one of his drawers on his desk.

Slowly he walked towards the desk, his hand shivering, his mind set on thinking this was a cruel joke. As he grasped the handle, something seemed to start ticking. This sound stopped James dead in his tracks. Is that seriously a bomb? he thought, alarmed. On the fifth tick however, fire began to envelope the desk, forcing him to back away.

"What the fuck?" confusedly shouted James. The sharp object was now out of his grasp and firmly placed inside the front pocket on the right in his pants. "When did that get there?" So many questions were going through his mind, but there was no time to waste. He had to get out of the house.

"Wait- what am I doing? Why not just put the fire out?" questioned James, observing the fire and seeing that it was all too large to put out at the moment. Before he could act, his mind went blank. He slipped out of reality as if it were a dream. He was now sitting up in a train, no idea on what he was doing or where he was going.

"You all right?" asked a person beside James. He nearly jumped out of his seat from surprise. Maybe this person could tell him a few things?

"I think I am... Do you know where this train is headed?" asked James.

"Sure I do, we're about to come to the last stop on this circuit-thing." answered the voice. James turned towards the voice and his eyes widened a bit as he saw her. It was a woman, actually more of a girl. He scanned her appearance and logged it into his mind because it was a rare sight for him. He's going to love trains now. "Something wrong?" she asked.

"No-- nothing, sorry." answered James, just shaking himself out of a slight daze. It wasn't his fault he's sitting next to a very nice looking girl. "Well, I haven't introduced myself, my name's James." A smile upon his face. The girl eyed him with a weird expression. I believe this flows better.

"You actually did introduce yourself, it was when I first sat down."

"I did?" James was befuddled, he didn't recall such an event.

"Yes, you did. It seems you've forgotten, so I'll just re-introduce myself as well. My name is Alexandria, Alex for short."

"Er... all right, Hi Alex." He nodded. His cheeks were slightly red from embarrassment.

"And hello to you too James." replied Alex, a smile on her face. "So you don't remember anything from earlier?"

"Eh... no, I remember being at my house last during a fire."

"I heard an entire house was burned down and it seems no one was inside -- besides two bodies locked somewhere in the basement. The firemen said it started and crawled up the house in a weird way, as if drawn or led." There was a worried look on her face.

"Two bodies...?" James was thrown into a depressed state, those were his mother and sister, both dead before their time. A tear swelled up in one of his eyes and he quickly swiped it away before it was seen. "That... was my house."

"I'm sorry for your loss." Alex gasped, the depression rubbing off on her slightly.

"No, it's ok, I can deal with it." This is what he thought, his initial reaction at the house was a bit careless. A quiet situation and some deep thought made him hate that man and it made him feel the loss. Why the hell would someone do something like this?

As promised, full-scale review for Misplaced Conceptions Prologue.
The text in cyan/teal is suggestions, while red is text corrections.



"Ugh..." said James, tried after the walk home. Is "Ugh" a word? You can produce the sound, but you don't say it. In this case, I do not believe "Said" is adequate. "Mom! I'm home!" Strangely, no one answered back. Did they go somewhere? He hadn't been told. Upon walking into the kitchen he expected a note to be on the table. There was nothing. "This is weird." He stepped into the hallway and pressed a button on the answering machine. A voice came up, but it sounded like he was using a device that altered it.

"James, your family has been silenced and you are survive on your own, this is not a test, it's just a game." The voice was low, rough You can get rid of the comma. and had a weird lumberjack accent to it. Could you even do that with one of those voice altering devices?

"The hell?" You do not need to insist on James' every word. You can cut the "Said James" in a few places. said James. Who is that man? he thought. Moving seemingly as if something was guiding him, he arrived in his room. He could see a red-colored liquid dripping from the ceiling. All there was on it, was an arrow pointing in his desk's direction. I honestly believe you should use less passive-voice. It's a no-no in writing. Maybe paint? James's eye caught something sticking out of the middle drawer on his left, it seemed sharp.

Slowly he walked towards the desk, his hand shivering, his mind set on thinking this was a cruel joke. As he grasped the handle, something seemed to start ticking. This sound stopped James dead in his tracks. I like this.Is that seriously a bomb? he thought, alarmed. On the fifth tick however, fire began to envelope the desk, forcing him to back away.

"What the fuck?" confusedly shouted James. I think this flows better. The sharp object was now out of his grasp and firmly placed inside the front pocket on the right in his pants. "When did that get there?" So he was doing this all sub-consciously? Interesting. So many questions were going through his mind, but there was no time to waste. He had to get out of the house.

"Wait- what am I doing? Why not just put the fire out?"Why would he want to ask himself out loud? I'd actually put all of his "questions" in his own mind. More realistic in a way. questioned James, observing the fire and seeing that it was all too large to put out at the moment. Before he could act, his mind went blank and Why does this seem like it's not supposed to be there? he slipped out of reality as if it were a dream. He was now sitting up in a train, no idea on what he was doing or where he was going.

"You all right?" asked a voice beside James A voice cannot ask! A person can, though. Which means you'll probably need to change this. He nearly jumped out of his seat from surprise. Maybe this person could tell him a few things?

"I think I am... Do you know where this train is headed?" asked James.

"Sure I do, we're about to come to the last stop on this circuit-thing." answered the voice. James turned towards the voice and his eyes widened a bit as he saw her. It was a woman, actually more of a girl. He scanned her appearance and logged it into his mind because it was a rare sight for him. He's going to love trains now. Bwahahaha! Awesome. "Something wrong?" she asked.

"No-- nothing, sorry." answered James, just shaking himself out of a slight daze. It wasn't his fault he's sitting next to a very nice looking girl. "Well, I haven't introduced myself, my name's James." A smile upon his face. The girl eyed him with a weird expression. I believe this flows better.

"You actually did introduce yourself, it was when I first sat down."

"I did?" James was befuddled, he didn't recall such an event.

"Yes, you did. It seems you've forgotten, so I'll just re-introduce myself as well. My name is Alexandria, Alex for short."

"Er... all right, Hi Alex." He nodded. His cheeks were slightly red from embarrassment. Sentences, as far as I'm concerned, should be kept simple. Which means that you should not have two main subjects in the same one. "He" and "His cheeks" are two different subjects, with two different verbs, and two different utilities. It's best if you don't put those in one sentence, but rather in two.

"And hello to you too James." replied Alex, a smile on her face. "So you don't remember anything from earlier?"

"Eh... no, I remember being at my host last during a random fire." What? I can't read this without trying to stop myself from headdesking. Rule number one! Make yourself comprehensible...

"I heard an entire house was burned down and it seems no one was inside -- besides two bodies locked somewhere in the basement. The firemen said it started and crawled up the house in a weird way, as if drawn or led." There was a worried look on her face.

"Two bodies...?" James was thrown into a depressed state, those were his mother and sister, both dead before their time. A tear swelled up in one of his eyes and he quickly swiped it away before it was seen. "That... was my house."

"I'm sorry for your loss." Alex gasped a little Awkward..., the depression rubbing off on her slightly.

"No, it's ok, I can deal with it." This is what he thought, his initial reaction at the house was a bit careless. A quiet situation and some deep thought made him hate that man, Drop the comma. and it made him feel the loss. Why the hell would someone do something like this?

Overall a good prologue. A bit long, though; prologues are supposed to introduce what, when, where. This is like a separate chapter itself.

What I was a bit surprised at, seeing as you usually type like a god, was the mistakes. A lack of spell check, I can see. At some points you completely ignored sentence structure (although it was somewhat acceptable) and used the passive-voice too many times. I can also see a few weak sentences; they had nothing other than a verb and an adjective. xD

Meh, I told you- I'm lazy.

Also, I'm new to the literature thing, this is my first thought out story that I've been trying to make

"Eh... no, I remember being at my host last during a random fire." What? I can't read this without trying to stop myself from headdesking(<This is not a word.). Rule number one! Make yourself comprehensible...
^ I'll say my exact thoughts V
"Oh shit! I forgot to read over it! Host is supposed to be house!"

"I'm sorry for your loss." Alex gasped a little Awkward..., the depression rubbing off on her slightly
^
I wasn't even thinking like that until you pointed it out.


NOW, re-read it and tell me what's wrong with it now. <.< I'm still working on Chapter 1, progress is going slowly but steadily.