Drakoja (2)

[redacted]

The Drakojan war
Location: High orbit around Drakojan home planet Drakoja.
Chapter 1. I'm not really honestly super-duper sure that saying the location before the chapter itself it necessary. You can say it afterwards, but saying it in the middle of the two sounds strangely cooler.

The Drakojan war has raged between the Humans and Drakojans for decades. The surface is covered with fortifications, and anti-air assault guns. There is crashed Terran -_- landing vessels everywhere, but the Drakojans are hiding in the caves, or in a non bombarded location. There is a space station under construction in the system, that will stop the Drakojans from recovering, and launching a counterstrike on the Terrans. The station will also provide a supply line, to fuel the war in this distant system. The Andromeda's mission is to investigate, and if needed take out a Drakojan fortress that is providing with some serious resistance, and a anti-orbit missile system. There are 4 orbital bombers stationed around the planet, but they seem to be dysfunctional. End log. <- So far this seems like a computer report of some kind. Well made but "disfunctional" is not in my dictionary. I suggest you use "nonfunctional" or the (supposed) word you were trying to use, "dysfunctional" instead.


Control room, 14:00 hours.


Vicktius leaned back in his chair. A bombing mission, great. He knew that the Drakojans were harmless, but that the Terrans wanted to take all the territory they could in order to expand. He was being torn apart between his duty to fulfil the mission, <- No need for a comma. and the fact that the people in the fortress were innocent to the destructive force of the Terrans.

¶He stretched for the radio device.

¶"William, can you send down a drone to investigate? None of us does really want to do it." A sound was heard, sounded like someone burping, Jimmy laughed at this, and then the docking bay doors opened, and a single droid flew out You do get that you put 2 "And"s here, right? Use commas or nothing at all. It was armed with a single burst laser, some light armor, <- Get rid of that comma. and a camera.


Drakojan surface, 14:06 hours.

It entered the orbit, and when it came down in the planets atmosphere, an anti air gun fired at them.

¶Durandal however, that was controlling the droid, easily dodged. The camera started to transmit. First, it was just ant's war on the screen, then it started to transmit, and a picture of a broken desert with broken guard towers in it. The camera fixed focus, and then the droid turned around, and set a course for the functional fortress. The anti air gun still fired, but the distance was too large. The fortress appeared in the horizon. It was very large, with at least 3 functional guard towers around it. The large cannon like orbital missile launcher was sticking up from the walls. Just as they came closer to it, 2 yellow flames fast licked the launcher, and they could then see how the missiles left the complex.

Drakojan orbit, 14:09 hours.

They saw how the large missiles hit one of the bombers, and it exploded in a burst of flames, and then fell into the orbit and burned up.

¶"We must do something about that," said Vicktius. "EMP?" he asked. <- I don't like it when 2 different sentences in 2 different forms get mixed together.

¶"EMP" confirmed Jimmy as he locked a EMP on the complex.

¶"Fire!" shouted Vicktius, and the EMP left the ship. You always, always, always ALWAYS need to start a new paragraph when a new character speaks. Otherwise it's just a bundle of formless speech.

Drakojan surface, 14:15 hours.

They saw from the droid's perspective how the EMP hit the complex, and the buildings powered down. The bot began to move in, the under camera was activated, and they saw how Drakojan civilians had set up small and large tents below. Drakojan guards patrolled the walls, and 3 dragons were on a free space and were sleeping. At least until they saw the droid fly over.

¶The droid has an in-built microphone in the camera and they heard how the alarm was sounded and the dragons lifted their heads and looked on the droid. People was in a hurry and began armoring one of the dragons. It made clear that they were going to arm it, and pursuit the droid and shoot it down. On Vicktius' order, the droid lowered itself, and hovered right beside the dragon.

"How does the..... mic... wor..." said Vicktius as he was trying to get that to work. "There. Drakojans, I mean no harm, and it was due to my ships safety I fired the EMP at you. Where is your leader?" The people looked to frightened to answer, but a guard came.

"I'll get him for you," the guard said shortly, before he disappeared in an opening to the underground complex. He came up again, and an a hatch on the ground was opened, and a dragon jumped up. It walked to the droid.

¶The head came closer, and accidentally bumped the droid so it was pushed backwards. The dragon looked surprised, but then he spoke, on a broken Terran dialect. "I am ..." The dragon looked have difficulties translating it's name to Terran, but continued "I am Rose, leader of this fortification. Why have you contacted us?"

¶Vicktius listened carefully to the dragon's words. It was not unusual that the Drakojans picked dragons for leaders. "I am Vicktius, Terran officer, and captain of the RS Andromeda. I have contacted you to ask you to capitulate, and lend this fortification to the Terrans."

¶Rose did not look very surprised, it was her answer that surprised him. "We will surrender to the Terran cause, if they guarantee us safety, and that we can return to our home when the war is over." Vicktius was surprised. ,- But yet you already said he was surprised. Get one of the two "surprised" away or just don't say he was surprised at all.

¶"We will send down drones with cargo holds, so you can load possessions and people in them. We will also establish a quarters for you here." Rose did something that looked like a nod, and then went away. The drone left the base, and returned to the ship.


Drakojan orbit, 14:34 hours.

The swarm of drones left the ship, and entered the orbit. Durandal established a quarters for them, <- You don't need the comma. in the barrack section of the ship. The ship could be used to transport troops, it was equipped for everything. When the droids returned, they were slow of the cargo. Then, the catastrophe occurred. The remaining bombers suddenly became active. They rushed towards Andromeda and anti-ship missiles left their tubes. Some of them were targeted at droids, and Durandal did his best to make the drones avoid the missiles. some of them hit, <- get rid of the comma. and destroyed drones.

Control room, 14:53
"What are you waiting for?!" shouted Vicktius when Jimmy was programming the defences.

Honestly I didn't really like this. It could look pretty decent if it were well made, but to be blunt, your way of storytelling is rather horrible. That can be improved, of course, but you'll need to first drop the habit of saying "and" everywhere. Also when speaking in dialog you should always start a new paragraph. Seldom I saw a little verb confusing between plural and singular; that can be avoided by paying a little more attention. Last, and this can really be annyoing to some writers, is that your "you're/your" "their/they're/there" and "to/too" homonyms are mistaken.

You reuse a lot of words. Might I suggest Merriam-Webster for a theasaurus and dictionary if you don't know what words to use? Also you seem to be having some "wordiness" issues, where you use more words than you should. I'm here to give you a small wordiness lesson, but for more info you can check the post I'm going to make in "Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation". Have fun, even though my reviews CAN be a bit blunt.

Kristy, you should make a title called "Cruel Critique" for yourself. You highlight any mistake you find in the stories. Although it does help the writer, it can make them frustrated and sad. I'm just glad I didn't have that many mistakes (No offense Vicktius.)

Meh, I am neutral towards the story. It's somewhat good, and is something that I'll read. But, it's not something I'm going to love. Good job. :d

Well, you know I am swedish. So I say that was pretty good to be me : D. I'll edit the most misstakes, and I have a habit of not paragraphing. The miss-spelling (Might be wrong >.>) is just random.... for the most.

Read it, cant wait for the big hardcore Star-Trek battles, im also gonna make a Sci-Fi/Modern book thing, ill post the details later when Kristy makes a sub-topic for it.

I have changed the whole thing, with a copy of Kristys review (Thank you ^^).